Everything around us is sprouting, growing, bubbling, oozing and pushing through. The leaves have already appeared on the trees, again, almost unnoticed, and one morning I looked at Her and she, too, she has grown so much. I’m not in the best of my states, but then I look at her and see the wisdom in her eyes and I know that at least one thing is going well. She is.
Now I have a great feature photo and, who knows, maybe a little click-bait? Well since you are here, please note that I also updated the Project Emergency portfolio today. I’m a bit proud of it, with all its imperfections it does capture a certain period of my life – and everybody’s life, in fact, we are in it together.
Getting scans from a long-forgotten film made my day (thanks!). Well, that and that Lidl stocks my favourite (read: the only I ever liked) mineral water for at least a short bit. I was so astounded I actually gaped from underneath my face mask. From this you can see how desperately lonely I have been lately, and no, I do not only mean the covid-situation, although that certainly is not helping. Enough of sobbing.
Anyways, the pictures reminded me of the worry-free summer last year, of the warmth that we have been waiting for (and got snow instead) and, of course, of how tiny the tiny one was last summer. It felt and it still actually feels like reading a book for some time and then lingering in the plot and the settings for the rest of the day (or night). So here, my three (or so) faithful readers, enjoy some black-and-white Finland’s sun.
I’ve been keeping a diary for some time now – for various reasons. It has helped me to focus and stay sharp; also, it is a habit that I have been able to keep. The problem is that it has kept me from sharing myself online, which I think is a pity. Not that my visitor numbers would be high, I just thought I could peeking out again. So hello!
I have been properly activating myself, signing up for a lot of voluntary activities that I do not burn for (that was the idea) and trying to get busy with art again although a certain someone has been successfully stopping me from it. I have been rather grateful lately – for health, for material wealth, for wisdom and… for the fact that I have been able to avoid ways of living that would destroy me in the long run. Also, for the skills I have been developing in the past years – patience, fatigue resistance and humbleness.
And I think that Dry February is absolute bullsh*t – everybody who feel like they should take part in it might like to look at their alcohol consuming habits and other life choices in general. But the whole challenge made me think about my identity, my presence, my visibility.
I’m afraid I will never make it into the news – I’m not an exceptional scientist (in fact, I do not want to work in research), I don’t take drugs or drink and I don’t think I will need to recover from dependency on these, I don’t live in a country exotic enough to my compatriots and because I ignore social media I remain invisible to most people (including my peers). My health troubles have prevented me from achieving what I had imagined, but they are not interesting or serious enough. My art is breakthrough in its honesty, that is, how little I depend on Photoshop and general augmentation and instead rely on tangible media. My life is not drastically minimalist or zero-waste, my taste is somehow different but not crazy enough. I’m not exceptionally anything, but I’m exceptional. And I feel good about that.
It took me a short while to write that first post of 2020 – I thought it would be a bold post full of emotions, resolutions, plans, optimism and gratitude. It did not turn out so, instead, I’m here to tell everyone that I probably have a roller-coaster-ride year ahead. And also I so need to share with you how tired and low-key depressed I am and how much I’m bubbling inside, impatient to create.
I’m now writing pieces of my theses, some days I enjoy it more than others, most times I get frustrated over my own inabilities and un-s and in-s and dis-s. And then there are days like today, when I go and pick up L* from daycare, the sun is shining and we take the long way to the shops. Via parks, swings, duck ponds and reminders of winter that is yet to come. Every day like this makes me realise how much hard work I – and most of us – put into the beige or grey mass of everyday life in hope of getting happy moments of shiny success or glory. But at the end of the day, the most satisfying pleasures are the every day ones. Just like eating that 80% chocolate or pressing the stop button on the bus.
Enough of basic bitch life wisdom – the time is.. late so I’d better join my better third in bed and see what tomorrow will bring! Hopefully not another headache.
My daughter feeds me, combs my hair, smiles at me and plays by my side. Cuddles, squeaks, babbles, smacks her lips. And I realise with every day to come that one day, one day quite soon, this precious time the two of use have will end. We will get (back to) our commitments, interests and ways of getting through the day. We will be mum&daughter forever, but it will change.
I’m writing this as a reminder to myself that although some days are less bearable than others, that it is not in one’s power to be the perfect entertaining-attending-active mother at all times, that this baby time is so valuable. I *need* more time for myself, I need more company, I need tricks to get my baby to fall asleep faster and to eat better. I need and want to develop myself in other ways than, uhm, being caring, patient and multitasking.
Not the jolly sunny kind, just wet and a plenty of it. One moment you can barely walk and you have to dig your personal parking space. A few hours later everything is melting and you question the nature’s intensions and the purpose of life while you wade through heaps of wish-wash. And this all, this shall freeze over tonight!