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I was born into a habitus of endless possibilities. I have been told ever since that I could do anything I could (although I was steered into a certain direction that maybe did not suit me the best after all). And the problem is that I could do anything I wanted, except for maybe singing, activities including a lot of falling on the ground and playing. I could do sports, create art, dance, become pretty good at biology or math, languages, some minor design projects, I could help you with choosing your new phone and even dug into things as uncreative as accounting. And, you know what, I did OK to say the least.

The problem is that I never could focus on one thing, nothing fulfilled me to the extent when I could just say This is my thing, I’m going to put all my efforts into this. And the fact is that I’m soon a year older and still do not know what my thing is. There is so much that is close to my heart, and I am and am not all of them at the same time.

Fortunately, I have some breaks in my life at the moment that bring me down to earth. The first one is the recurring depression (haha, I know, you are probably going like “Nooo, not that shit again” and you are right, I stop right here) that has made me take a break and restart my life-line at that time a few times, improve it, rethink it, adjust it. Another one is, of course, my little girl. She keeps reminding about what really matters in life. And then there is the nature and its cycles the four distinct seasons and the different energy they bring about with them. These are things that make me refocus, albeit in a rough and lengthy way.

I will never be a true expert on *something*, but I will be able to work in any settings and with a wide range of issues, I don’t find the joy in digging deep as much as I like to stick my nose into many pots at the same time. I can adjust a bit, but I cannot change my way of thinking.

And then, after the initial paralysing pain that comes with comparing myself to everyone and everything has faded away, I look around and see that everything is as it should be. Right now. I’m a year older now and even so more thankful for being alive right now.

Kotipiha. Hemgården. Backyard.


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