Everything around us is sprouting, growing, bubbling, oozing and pushing through. The leaves have already appeared on the trees, again, almost unnoticed, and one morning I looked at Her and she, too, she has grown so much. I’m not in the best of my states, but then I look at her and see the wisdom in her eyes and I know that at least one thing is going well. She is.
Now I have a great feature photo and, who knows, maybe a little click-bait? Well since you are here, please note that I also updated the Project Emergency portfolio today. I’m a bit proud of it, with all its imperfections it does capture a certain period of my life – and everybody’s life, in fact, we are in it together.
I had to wait for my 35 mm film scan, and then jigged a little when I finally received the link to the scans. I won’t bore you with pictures of L. aka the most photographed object since may 2018. Instead, I chose these straight lines. I say, how exciting.
These *plant* (sorry, I paid zero attention to the species) had so much energy inside. Having felt the spring sun, they quickly grew upwards following a nearly perfect straight line. One by one, side by side. I loved the sight, it was so relatable, so juvenile and honest.
Today I noticed that I hardly ever write when feeling a spurt of energy, rather, I “wait” for a post-migraine palsy or a depression bit or 11pm after another toddler day or those 5 minutes I have before needing to run to the nursery. See, it is a form of a therapy, or effort to normalise my situation and feelings as it stands. Well at the moment I’m riiight in the middle of one or more of the above-mentioned and am now enjoying my flimsy wings that will carry me out of it. At least half-way.
One of the reasons why I have not found pure satisfaction in my life is that… that I enjoy and am curious about too many things. I’m too versatile. I’m too flexible. I’m too adaptable. I don’t strive to develop any niche skill, I do not strive to become best at something. I’m good at many things, but not good enough to make a difference in anybody’s life.
Pure blasphemy, isn’t it – said many, including yourself probably – you are a person of so many talents, how dare you complain and how come you are not making a career. Well simply because I’m too unsettled to get settled and focused. I’m superficial in my curiosity, all I need is to find out how it works; typically I won’t need more detailed knowledge.
And it is indeed a problem, because the way the job market works is that once you are among the highly educated, you should have some niche knowledge, or at least extensive knowledge of anything. But there is no common denominator for things I like and do not suck at. I’m just embodiment of random, difficultly marketable passions, eventually equalling mediocrity.
Not having a niche passion, skill or interest makes my life quite had, it always had – it started in my childhood when my wide range of interests clashed with very limited organized hobby activities I participated at. No matter what we read in the media, no matter how nicely I wrap up my life on LinkedIn, to those who have not met me at least, I will always be the incomprehensible underachieving foreigner. And yes, this lack of understanding and the lack of interest to give me a change, that brings me down.
It is ironic, isn’t, in my public life I fight labelling, and now I’m wishing I had a comfortable label to hide behind.
These are among things I enjoy: Reading, writing, talking, drawing, learning languages, graphic design, communicating, marketing (but only things I burn for), architecture, typography, calligraphy, art in general, photography, graphology, various graphic techniques, anthropology, sociology, geography, cartography, physics (yes), ecology, flirting, social impact analysis, corporate social responsibility, sustainability, urban exploring, electronic music, outdoors, helping people in need, baking, minimalism, cooking (not including weekly dinners though), barefoot shoes, nursing, risk management, natural medicine, non-toxic lifestyle, mental health championing, zero waste movement, second-hand stores, yoga, meditation, travelling, hiking, medicine as a discipline, crafts and arts, jewellery making, urban planning, the sea, the forest, the mountains, Scandinavia, Caucasus, south of Germany, early education. And I enjoy every single of them.
Getting scans from a long-forgotten film made my day (thanks!). Well, that and that Lidl stocks my favourite (read: the only I ever liked) mineral water for at least a short bit. I was so astounded I actually gaped from underneath my face mask. From this you can see how desperately lonely I have been lately, and no, I do not only mean the covid-situation, although that certainly is not helping. Enough of sobbing.
Anyways, the pictures reminded me of the worry-free summer last year, of the warmth that we have been waiting for (and got snow instead) and, of course, of how tiny the tiny one was last summer. It felt and it still actually feels like reading a book for some time and then lingering in the plot and the settings for the rest of the day (or night). So here, my three (or so) faithful readers, enjoy some black-and-white Finland’s sun.
We are not spending too much time around others, we are not taking collective transport and we have become experts on getting on each other’s nerves – and my wanderlust is on level 534. Instead of dividing my active time between family and working on that PhD a few hours per day I would prefer doing, errr, pretty much anything right now – including actually staying at home and having time for things. Especially now when I have so many unfinished projects and project ideas going on that I’m ashamed of myself as a human being.
Too bad? No. It is how it is, we are all reasonably healthy, we are developing some extreme partnership skills and the weather has been pleasantly random. Oh and of course, Lela won’t stop amazing (and draining) me . Ever. So I don’t think I should mention this ever again, because content is gold.
So I’m just writing this to save myself a moment and let you all know that all, after all, is well.
I’ve been keeping a diary for some time now – for various reasons. It has helped me to focus and stay sharp; also, it is a habit that I have been able to keep. The problem is that it has kept me from sharing myself online, which I think is a pity. Not that my visitor numbers would be high, I just thought I could peeking out again. So hello!
I have been properly activating myself, signing up for a lot of voluntary activities that I do not burn for (that was the idea) and trying to get busy with art again although a certain someone has been successfully stopping me from it. I have been rather grateful lately – for health, for material wealth, for wisdom and… for the fact that I have been able to avoid ways of living that would destroy me in the long run. Also, for the skills I have been developing in the past years – patience, fatigue resistance and humbleness.
And I think that Dry February is absolute bullsh*t – everybody who feel like they should take part in it might like to look at their alcohol consuming habits and other life choices in general. But the whole challenge made me think about my identity, my presence, my visibility.
I’m afraid I will never make it into the news – I’m not an exceptional scientist (in fact, I do not want to work in research), I don’t take drugs or drink and I don’t think I will need to recover from dependency on these, I don’t live in a country exotic enough to my compatriots and because I ignore social media I remain invisible to most people (including my peers). My health troubles have prevented me from achieving what I had imagined, but they are not interesting or serious enough. My art is breakthrough in its honesty, that is, how little I depend on Photoshop and general augmentation and instead rely on tangible media. My life is not drastically minimalist or zero-waste, my taste is somehow different but not crazy enough. I’m not exceptionally anything, but I’m exceptional. And I feel good about that.
It took me a short while to write that first post of 2020 – I thought it would be a bold post full of emotions, resolutions, plans, optimism and gratitude. It did not turn out so, instead, I’m here to tell everyone that I probably have a roller-coaster-ride year ahead. And also I so need to share with you how tired and low-key depressed I am and how much I’m bubbling inside, impatient to create.
I’m now writing pieces of my theses, some days I enjoy it more than others, most times I get frustrated over my own inabilities and un-s and in-s and dis-s. And then there are days like today, when I go and pick up L* from daycare, the sun is shining and we take the long way to the shops. Via parks, swings, duck ponds and reminders of winter that is yet to come. Every day like this makes me realise how much hard work I – and most of us – put into the beige or grey mass of everyday life in hope of getting happy moments of shiny success or glory. But at the end of the day, the most satisfying pleasures are the every day ones. Just like eating that 80% chocolate or pressing the stop button on the bus.
Enough of basic bitch life wisdom – the time is.. late so I’d better join my better third in bed and see what tomorrow will bring! Hopefully not another headache.